Boundaries
Several years ago I went for an interview at a particular company.
The interviewer informed me that I would be assigned 4-hour long shifts. However, due to the distance I had to travel, I explained that I needed at least 6 - 8 hour long shifts, which I had set as a boundary. The interviewer thought it was ridiculous that I would need such long shifts, as many people from my area apparently worked there and were content with only 4 hour shifts. I explained that the job would be too expensive for me to take, given the situation, and left.
About a week or two later, I received a phone call from the interviewer demanding to know why I hadn’t shown up for my shifts. I explained that I had declined the job offer there during the interview. She wanted to know on what grounds I had made that decision and I reiterated that the shifts were too short for me to profitably work there due to the distance I had to travel.
She then exclaimed that I was being lazy and indignant and that my excuse was ridiculous.!
Clearly, she ignored my boundary of wanting longer shifts and my decision to decline the job offer, and proceeded to ridicule my reasoning, which was another clear indication of her disrespecting my boundaries.
She ignored my boundary of wanting longer shifts and my decision to decline the job offer, and proceeded to ridicule my reasoning.
Personal boundaries are important for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling life. These boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, and/or spiritual. Physical boundaries refer to personal space and touch, emotional boundaries include our feelings and emotional responses, mental boundaries involve our thoughts and general beliefs, and spiritual boundaries relate to our spiritual and religious practices and values.
Personal boundaries are limits that we set for ourselves in our relationships and interactions with others. They define what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour towards us, and what kind of behaviour we are willing to tolerate from others. We also set boundaries for ourselves to limit the behaviours that could prove to be harmful should we engage in them.
Personal boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, and/or spiritual. Physical boundaries include personal space & touch, emotional boundaries include our feelings & emotional responses, mental boundaries include our thoughts & general beliefs, and spiritual boundaries include our spiritual and religious practices & values.
Boundaries help us to protect our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being, and maintain healthy relationships with others. They can prevent emotional harm, such as, manipulation or abuse, and help us to maintain our sense of identity and autonomy. By creating an atmosphere of trust and respect for ourselves and others, boundaries provide clarity and structure to our relationships. They can also help us to maintain balance in our lives by prioritizing time and resources to avoid overcommitment or burn-out.
Establishing and maintaining personal boundaries can be challenging, particularly if we are used to accommodating the needs of others or have a history of mistreatment.
Boundaries help us to protect our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being, and maintain healthy relationships with others.
Our values and beliefs shape every aspect of our lives, from the things we say and do, to the thoughts we have, consciously or not. They inform our understanding of what constitutes acceptable or unacceptable behaviour towards us as well as what we are willing to tolerate from others. Additionally they help us assess how our own behaviour aligns with our values and beliefs.
Discovering and validating our core values and beliefs creates a foundation for building the boundaries that serve us the best. Once we have confidence in our boundaries we can articulate and defend them. By using the space between stimulus and response to check in with ourselves, we can provide thoughtful responses rather than impulsive reactions.
Boundaries are not always black and white and they may involve setting limits on how much we are willing to give, discuss, or participate, or simply saying “no” to things that don’t align with our values. By being mindful of our values and beliefs, we can make informed decisions about how we want to proceed in any given situation. Ultimately, setting and respecting our boundaries is crucial to maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships with others, and for living a life that aligns with our values and beliefs.
Initially, when we were young, we learned about boundaries through the interactions with our family members, with our peers, with our caregivers, and other influential people in our lives. Along with cultural and societal norms, these experiences largely determined our understanding of what is appropriate behaviour, what is not, how we should expect to be treated by others, and shaped our sense of self.
This is a dynamic journey as we mature and continue to have experiences that shape our view of ourselves and those around us.
That being said, there are steps we can take to create effective boundaries.
➤ Identify your core values and beliefs and challenge the truth of those beliefs.
➤ Identify your own personal needs and priorities
➤ Consider your personal experiences and how they influence your relationships.
➤ Determine what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not willing to tolerate from others, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually..
➤ Determine where you will “draw the line” when it comes to your own personal behaviour and thoughts.
➤ Clarify why you set the limits/boundaries that you have created
The boundaries we set as a young adult often change as we age and gain knowledge and experience with ourselves and the world around us. What worked before may not work any more and what we thought made a good boundary has perhaps limited our ability to grow. It is important to remain somewhat flexible about some of our boundaries however, I believe there are some boundaries that should not be negotiable. These are ones that you feel extremely protective about. Just because someone doesn’t appreciate or like your boundaries doesn’t mean you need to change them. If you do decide to change or adjust your boundaries, do it for yourself, not just for the comfort of another person.
The boundaries we set as a young adult often change as we age and gain knowledge and experience with ourselves and the world around us.
Boundaries act as a fence that encloses the yard of a house. Just like a house is protected by its yard, personal boundaries safeguard our physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being. You are the one who controls the fence, including its strength and appearance. The fence has a few locked gates that allow people to enter or exit, and only you hold the keys.
However, some people may not recognize or acknowledge your boundaries, and some may even attempt to cross or tear them down. Remember, it is your fence, and only you can decide how it should look and what it should encompass. Your fence needs to be strong, whole, and complete; otherwise, it would serve no purpose. Like a physical fence, your boundaries should be periodically attended to and reinforced if needed.
Once you have established your boundaries and you know why they are important to you, you need to clearly articulate them to those around you. While some may show support, others may be hostile, mocking, or indifferent.
For the most part, your boundaries should encompass and address all possible situations. However, there may be rare circumstances where a new boundary must be created on the spot. Regardless of how long your boundaries have been in place, they should always be respected.
An aside: I think it should go without saying that you should respect others’ boundaries just as you expect people to respect yours.
Often just a “no,”, or “no thank you" is enough for people to respect your boundaries. However, sometimes we seem to have the need or desire to defend our boundaries. If a simple “no,” doesn’t suffice, then there are important things to consider when communicating your boundaries and why you have them.
Here’s what you should consider:
➤ Be clear and specific to avoid confusion so that people will know exactly what to expect.
➤ Try not to blame or accuse others to communicate how their behaviour affects you; use “I” statements such as, “I feel uncomfortable when ….. happens.”
➤ Avoid using aggressive or confrontational language that could be perceived as threatening; focus on expressing your needs in a calm assertive way.
➤ Communicate any consequences of crossing your boundaries to reinforce the importance of respecting your boundaries ensuring that others understand the seriousness of the situation.
➤ Listen to understand, not to respond. It is important to understand why the other person doesn’t want to respect your boundaries, as it makes your response far more relevant.
➤ Be open to feedback and willing to compromise if it benefits BOTH parties. This must be a WIN-WIN situation. Do not compromise your boundaries if you feel threatened, mocked, or disrespected.
Setting and communicating personal boundaries is a process that requires self-awareness and time. Our boundaries may change based on your experiences and circumstances, and knowing why you have certain boundaries will give you the confidence to uphold them. By communicating your boundaries clearly and respectfully, you can build trust and openness in your relationships.
The first step in achieving this goal is to identify your core values and beliefs and challenge their validity. To help you with this process I have developed an online course called, “Foundations 101: Why We Do What We Do.”
This course will guide you through the process of identifying your core values and beliefs, examining them critically, and ultimately crafting statements that accurately represent them. By completing this course, you will be better equipped to establish and maintain effective boundaries in your personal and professional life.
To access this course, simply send an email to heatherlynnecoach@gmail.com with the subject line “Foundations 101.” I look forward to helping you develop the skill and knowledge necessary to create meaningful and effective boundaries.
I have coached and mentored individuals, and facilitated small groups for over 30 years. I am a strong proponent of walking the walk and talking the talk. When I know something works, I like to pass it on to others!
Go to heatherlynnecoaching.com/workshops for more information and to register for my upcoming workshops or seminars!
About Heather O ‘Reilly
I have coached and mentored individuals, and facilitated small groups for over 30 years. I am a strong proponent of walking the walk and talking the talk. When I know something works, I like to pass it on to others!
Join me and start your journey to spark meaningful change in your life. Discover new strategies and develop good habits by registering for our upcoming workshops at heatherlynnecoaching.com/workshops